The Greek Cypriot Lexicon

Kafka

A fistfight, & nothing to do with the author of the same name unless the disagreement chances to be over one of his books^*. (Improbable, since they have not yet been serialised in "Playboy".) A kafka is a little confusing as it usually begins as a fasaria but at the same time it may be described as a fasaria.

Basically it may be divided into four stages.

1.The insult. Real or imagined, this is the justification for stage two.

2.The challenge. Dealt with under fasaria, this is an attempt to scare off the opposing individual whilst assessing the strength of any support they may have before it is too late to back down oneself.

3.The kafka , an exchange of blows or knife thrusts.

4.The police. Whoever loses, challenger or challenged, paints himself in as pathetic a light as possible to the police so that they can arrest the victor & make him pay for his offensive behaviour.

Subsequently one or both will present at the local nosogomieon to exaggerate the degree of their injuries & demand x-rays in the hope that they can pressure the hospital staff into giving them written medical grounds for a successful court case with lots of compensation or else time off work.

^*Kafka, Franz (1883-1924), Austrian (Czech) Jewish novelist & short-story writer. He is considered one of the most significant figures in modern world literature; the term "Kafkaesque" has, in fact, come to be applied commonly to grotesque, anxiety-producing social conditions or their treatment in literature.

Kliniki

A clinic. It is worthy of comment that whilst in England the idea of profit making medicine is a dubious area ethically, & in America it a rigorously governed pursuit under law, in Cyprus "let the buyer beware."

There are two types of clinics.

1.Ithiki Klinikes. – Specialist Clinics. These institutions are small & not infrequently run by a single doctor with a cooking/cleaning staff whom double as nurses. These individuals will encourage you to address them as athelfi or sister despite both their total lack of training, hygiene & attention to your needs. The word "specialist" should be viewed warily also. In Cyprus, car mechanics are Mercedes or Mitsubishi specialists, floor cleaners are specialist floor cleaners & doctors who scrape through their five years basic training in Budapest & the subsequent three weeks in Athens are specialist cardio-thoracic surgeons if they so desire. The law is content that they should remain so until the specialist realises that there is more profit in being a specialist paediatrician.

2.Polykliniki – "Many clinics" literally, all rolled into one. In these testimonials to medical malpractice, various numbers of doctors pass around patients in order to milk their insurance to the last penny. Their private ambulances (white vans with a stretcher in the back) roam the streets in search of prey, snapping up accident victims before the arrival of the better equipped state ambulances that at least boast qualified nurses. This may be due to the £20 per head inducement offered routinely to bars & hotels for their calling them first. Such patients are operated on without delay regardless of their diagnosis or state of health. Other patients complaining of diarrhoea are usually deprived of their appendixes & referred to the specialist plastic surgeon for the scar, & later the specialist ophthalmic surgeon if they cannot see that they are being robbed blind. If all the stress is too much, the specialist psychologist is always on hand with a Valium 5mg under a different name that will cost you a £150 consultation.

The general rule is that when the nice man with the dirty fingernails & the ego complex says you need surgery for something that back home you would not have even visited your GP for, ask yourself exactly how the specialist general surgeon got his Mercedes 405 SEC at the age of thirty-five anyway, then report to the hospital or better still fly home.