The Greek Cypriot Lexicon

Xero

I know. (Xeris – you know.) This phrase is particularly curious since it almost invariably signifies the reverse of what it actually means.  Aside from the above, it has two meanings both of which are more common than what might seem obvious.

1.  Xero.  The word is repeated three or four times in quick succession with the voice pitched a little deeper on each repetition.  The hand may be flicked dismissively over the shoulder as if warding off a mosquito.  This is equivalent to "Oh, I know all that – its obvious!"

What it really means is "I have listened to a bare minimum of what you were saying and I may possibly understand some part of it.  This is amply sufficient for the task at hand"

This attitude is commonly manifested when one is giving complex instructions to mechanics , decorators or builders, especially when these instructions take more than 45 seconds to complete.  Salvoes & volleys of xero, xero, nai xero xero xero xero nai nai xero nai xero xero in a soothing voice with an amused & confident smile are the clearest indication that the limits of the attention span have been exceeded, communication has broken down & as of now only you are listening.

2.  Xero.  The word is fired in quick succession punctuated by an occasional ah?  This actually means, "I had no idea of what you were talking about & now I do understand I am not grateful for you drawing my attention to my ignorance."

3.  Xero ge'ego?  In this use, the phrase literally means "and I know?" & implies "and who's the fool asking?"  It is most often applied in an attempt to dodge responsibility as the individual who employs it may be the one who is supposed to know and hopes to throw you off the scent with a display of truculence.

Not uncommonly, the person who employed the xero (1) will employ the xero (2) when you discover they did not xeri anything in point of fact and have burnt out your oil-less transmission (but changed your fresh engine oil), stuck your floor tiles to the walls of the wrong room, walled up your toilet (having first sold the fittings discretely to their brother in law) & generally rendered a totally catastrophic thallasa of the entire situation.  Under these circumstances they will try to bully you into agreeing that their error was better than your idea anyway and thus you should be grateful.  Xero (3) is for when you ask when he is going to fix it.

^Yiatros

A doctor. The Greek approach to doctors is curious in that despite the fact the least qualified quack is venerated as a medicinal messiah, no Cypriot will ever permit them to arrive at a diagnosis on their own. Self sponsored analyses & needless x-rays abound. Basically, the proceedure is as follows:

An individual arrives at an agreeable diagnosis in the privacy of his or her own home & then seeks out a doctor who is willing to confirm it. Thus when plagued with lower back pain, an individual will consult directly with an orthopaedic surgeon.

If this doctor presumes to point out that the patient has a height of 1.46m (5ft 5in) & yet weighs 124 Kg  (273 lb.) & is thus clinically obese & therein lies the problem the patient will thank him & leave. Then he will subsequently consult a neurosurgeon or another orthopaedic surgeon or even a plumber in the hope of finding someone with a better understanding of his problem.

What he really needs is a pill to cure the problem, preferably overnight, but the doctor will not give it to him.

What they are in truth seeking, rather than diagnosis, is reassurance that their problem is:

1.In general or better still complete agreement with the theories of the patient, formed with the aid of their spouse, the local pharmacist or any number of friends & relatives in harmony with the health experiences of those individuals.

2.Readily curable without effort on their own behalf in that it requires no alteration in the patient's lifestyle re diet, exercise or smoking.

3.Socially acceptable. Hypertension, for example, not hysteria.

4.Requiring at worst only minor surgical intervention & totally without pain.

5.Acceptances by all involved that the patient is totally blameless for their condition, even if they do smoke 60 cigarettes a day & were admitted for asthma.

The patient will seek opinions from dozens of medical persons, relatives & even priests for his condition to be first recognised & then appropriately cured. This may explain why even the most commonplace & chronic patients are seen by themselves as unique & urgent. Their souvla-induced weight problem alias glandular hypertrophy has been cooking now for several years & finally needs recognising today so it can be treated in accordance with the rules above. The fact that their symptoms are wildly inappropriate for an endocrine disorder is simply an expression of the subtle & intractable nature of their problem & the inescapable need to find a specialist doctor who really understands.

In casualty departments, road traffic accidents, cardiac arrests & haemorrhaging haemophiliacs are brushed aside by these individuals as such problems are assumed to be at best over emphasised or at least irrelevant & thus to be disregarded. After all a broken head is readily diagnosable by all & thus that patient's problems are already half solved.

^{* Einstein, Albert (1879-1955), German-born American physicist & Nobel laureate, best known as the creator of the special & general theories of relativity & for his bold hypothesis concerning the particle nature of light. He is perhaps the best-known scientist of the 20th century despite his suspect dress sense.}

Yehros

An old man. In truth Cypriot males never age, or else certainly never grow up. They are urgently desirable well into middle age (60 years old) & no women can resist them. (This is a popularly viewed as a legal obligation.) The yehros is thus of considerably advanced age & for some reason will probably hail from one of the now inaccessible towns of the illegally occupied north of Cyprus.

He will lament in a gentle voice full of sorrow the old days, friends & family dead or still missing^* & how everything these days has changed so suddenly, so strangely & so terribly.

You should agree with him, (say "Neh bappou, neh."^** ), because of the following.

1.Giving offence should be avoided in the face of his traumatic loss.

2.He is entirely correct.

^* Over 1600 individuals have been missing for the last 20 years with no explanation offered by the Turkish authorities as to their whereabouts. They are believed to be somewhere on the Turkish mainland if still alive.

^** "Yes grandfather, yes." It is permissible to refer to elders as relatives of the appropriate gender when speaking informally.

Yinaiga

Woman or wife. No emphasis is placed on the subject of marriage, you wife is simply "your woman" thus complicating the use of this word to the point where it has a number of distinct & conflicting meanings which are differentiated only by context. The English equivalents are:

1.  Wife. This applies to a possessive use of the word with outthrust jaw & narrowed eyes. As the wife ages or gains weight the speaker will become increasingly blasé to the point of eventual indifference. In formal situations the word sizigos may be employed meaning spouse.

2.Paid companion. Previously most often a Fillipineza , now commonly a Roumaneza. It is said with a measure of pride as this is a definite mangoscini in the eyes of the Cypriot male & he may smile with a wry masculine confidence as long as his wife is not present. The word boudana (prostitute) is not used unless the yinaiga is with someone else this time. Prices, performance or satisfaction, (especially hers), may not be compared by fellow filous (clients or "friends") of this type of yinaiga at any time or under any circumstances.

3.A person of the female sex. The dismissive tone implies lack of interest, long standing marriage or else lack of success.

4.Sought after companion, possibly someone else's wife. Wistfully intoned with the sly smile that implies a certain confidence but only in the absence of her chosen partner who is probably the one with the outthrust jaw & narrowed eyes.

It is probably safer (although a lot less fun) to steer clear of the whole business with a kind of distant but distinctly masculine tight-lipped silence in order to preclude the assumption that you are a poushtis ^*. Hinting at a recent disastrous love affair ideally with a dissatisfied married woman from another town who left you deeply scarred will allay suspicion, especially if you stare manfully into the distance through narrowed eyes when referring to her in clipped, brief sentences.

^* Homosexual male.

Zivania

A colourless spirit distilled from grapes that have been previously pressed for winemaking & then fermented. It is one of the old folk medicines of Cyprus (together with olives, ground coffee & donkey dung) & can be used internally or externally.

If you are offered Zivania, remember the following;

1.It is illegal, but no one cares. Even the president of the republic is said to drink it.

2.It should be crystal clear with no whitish deposit in the bottom of the bottle. This, if present, is lead oxide & highly toxic.

3.This drink should be downed in a single gulp in order to avoid it dissolving the enamel on your teeth.

It is interesting to note that fragile-looking yehri (pl.)will down a glass or five with a companionable smile & a flick of the wrist. Their grandchildren, however, say it is too strong & use it to clean their aftokinito windscreens.

Zoppo

The Greek equivalent to Mrs Malaprop^* but with much more money. The only difference is that what the lady in question intended to say was possibly appropriate to the conversation, she simply misheard the words. The zoppo is wildly inappropriate & understands little or nothing of reality. For example, if you comment on the impending extinction of the Jaguar in the wild, they will observe that thier son has a Jaguar, two in fact, & the only wild thing about them is their fuel consumption. (But they can afford it anyway.) If a fachimenos will tolerate being beaten with a brick as long as you can convince them the brick was hand crafted by Atelier Georgio Armani^© & how in Milan they are all doing it, even Sylvester Stallone, the zoppo will try to buy the brick from you afterwards and then have it gold plated. Their eternally inappropriate quest for the supposed trappings of success leads to gaffs of mammoth proportions both architecturally & economically. So if ever you are desirous of selling someone an insurance write off immediately after the fire department have extinguished it & cut out the remnants previous owner, find a zoppo.

Just remember to convince them it was actually the car James Dean died in & they will not only snap it up but they will restore it to it's full 1955 Porsche glory even if it was only a 1981 Austin Allegro to begin with. Subsequently they will attempt to make you the butt of barbed remarks because you do not have one just the same.

Two weeks later their fachimenos son will probably steal the keys & crash it.

^*"She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile" & "He is the very pineapple of politeness" are two of the statements from the mouth of Mrs. Malaprop that helped her name become synonymous with ludicrous misuse of language. Mrs. Malaprop, a character in Richard Brinsley Sheridan's play The Rivals, produced in 1775, consistently uses language malapropos, that is, inappropriately.