The Greek Cypriot Lexicon

Parthena

A virgin. Traditionally, virginity was much prized in Cypriot brides although it was usually thoroughly eradicated on the night of the aravones or engagement ceremony. Around the world in many of the less sophisticated countries, men assume that they can fornicate merrily with all comers whilst still being assured of an ample supply of marriage-worthy virgins for later on. On an island as small as Cyprus however this attitude is somewhat short sighted. Until recently it was not unheard of to check the sheets after the wedding night, much as in Bangladesh or poorer parts of India.

The reason for this obsession is as yet unexplained, especially when you consider that a wedding night with two experienced partners would probably go a lot better. It has been argued that the woman's virginity makes her worthy of her husband, but this is brought into question, as his virginity is not similarly valued.

Others suggest as follows:

1.  At least the couple knew the subsequent baby was definitely a joint project.

2.  There was no risk of the woman wanting to initiate anything or expressing any preferences, as she would not know what she liked in order to initiate or prefer it.

3.  There was no danger that after an uninspired performance on his part that she would say, "Is that the best you can do?" since she would have no valid basis for believing that anyone else could do anything better.

These days such problems are a thing of the past, similar to the parthenes (pl.) themselves.

Paithee

A child. An obvious division springs to mind here on the basis of sex, & a radical variation in attitude is based on it.

1.  Yeio – son. The ultimate mangoscini is the ability to produce a son. He is the fruit of your loins & your true immortality. He will carry your name forward to a new generation & thus must be free & unfettered by any trace of discipline or parental control whatsoever. Total brats of this type are the strongest imaginable argument in favour of arming nursery school teachers. Despite this, these horrors are humoured, over pampered, overfed & over tolerated. Ripping apart the television shows latent electrical genius & ripping apart the dog with the bread-knife means he wants to be a doctor.

2.  Korie – daughter. A non- mangoscini, somewhere a sperm slipped up. She is the fruit of your wife's loins & the source of someone else's true immortality. She will cost you a fortune to marry off & will no doubt expect you to baby sit a new generation . Thus she must be seen & not heard, & not get pregnant unless he has money.

Exceptions to these rules exist in that you may see a daddy's little princess being allowed to scream herself into vomiting in someone's Jacuzzi because she was not permitted to drown the cat in it, but in all probability her little brother gave her the idea first. (Unless, of course, he is already floating face-down with the cat for company

Roumaneza

A female person from Romania. Bar for the element of geography & physical appearance, an eastern European fillipineza with loose morals, a tendency to shirk & dressed at all times as if going to a student's party.

Scoliosee

Scoliosis: Sideways (lateral) curvature of the spine. Scoliosis is usually an incidental & harmless finding. Scoliosis, which tends to run in families & is more common in females than males, usually first appears in late childhood or during the early teens. While there are many different causes for scoliosis, including polio, in the vast majority of cases there is no known cause. Doctors call this "idiopathic" scoliosis. Over 90% of the curves in scoliosis curve to the right

If detected early enough it can be remedied by a combination of physiotherapy, exercise & on occasion surgery. The only thing that shows greater ingenuity than the various modes of therapy & systems of early detection is the plethora of excuses for the surprisingly high occurrence of the problem here in Cyprus.

All manner of things are blamed for this statistical oddity with the latest excuse being the carrying of overly laden schoolbags by the children thus causing their spines to deform. Those who observe that in other countries schoolbags are equally laden (and possibly more laden, based on Cyprus' shaky scholastic record) but no similar incidence of the problem is seen are disregarded in favour of the simplicity of this non heredity-related solution.

Shrilankeza

A female person from Sri-Lanka. Bar for the element of geography & physical appearance, a darker skinned, quieter fillipineza with better manners, cheaper clothes & harder working. Their politeness and deference to their employers paradoxically ensures that they are seldom used as boudanes.

Spidi

House or home. Two points must be noted with reference to this word. Point one is purely linguistic in that separate words for house & home do not exist in Greek. The second is that the house is seldom if ever simply a house in the eyes of a Cypriot. The major distinctions seem to be based on the age group & economic status of the user.

Thus for this word we see:

1.  Residence. A place where one lives or stays.

2.  A shrine to external validation. Marble verandas, five or more bedrooms for a family of three, floodlit exteriors, walls of glass bricks, sweeping exterior staircases & other architectural white elephants in a vain attempt to spend the maximum amount of money the bank will advance. An urge to stylistically copy television series like "Dallas" with their vulgar displays of crude wealth is notable both in construction & furnishing. It is not uncommon for these mausolea to be built on the site of earlier more modest family houses to economise on the price of land. The ageing relatives who contribute the property are sometimes offered a "Granny flat" or voithiticon in exchange for their sacrifice.

3.  Voithiticon. Small box-like structures behind a larger house. Normally these are two roomed sheds with a bed/sitting room & a minuscule kitchen with a shower/toilet. The occupants are shunted into geriatric homes at the first opportunity & dispatched to hospital for every Christmas or Easter celebration with real or imaginary complaints. This is to avoid the risk of having to entertain these understandably smelly, rumpled unattractively aged benefactors in front of fellow shrine-dwellers since they tend to look terribly out of place in white marbled, Italian furnished splendour.

4.  Kitchens, or kouzinoua. After the ageing relative has the eventual good taste to go away or else die, their "house" is converted into a spare kitchen to avoid dirtying the one indoors. Alternatively a house servant may be permitted to stay there as a legal ploy to cut her wages & increase her hours whilst at the same time demonstrating the owner's plouti or riches.

With all the complexities of this posturing & prening, it would probably be best for all concerned if Cypriots sadly afflicted with the need for these displays had their yearly income tattooed on their teeth by a suitably qualified accountant. Their confident smile would be evidence enough of their success, & in situations where they knew themselves to be fiscally outclassed, the resulting disappointment would ensure they did not embarrass themselves by confessing to how rich they were not.

After all, they can always lie about both of their indoor swimming pools having Jacuzzis.